Step between the ropes and read between the lines

It’s a good time to be a bad guy

WARNING: This blog is written with the understanding that it’s readers are somewhat seasoned wrestling viewers and therefore I will not spend a lot of time explaining more basic wrestling knowledge, kayfabe storylines, or concepts. However, i love to answer questions and hear feedback, so please, post away.

As of today, 11/5/11, Every singles title is currently held by a heel. As a long time heel lover, this excites me to no end. Admittedly, I have only been watching wrestling on any form of regular basis for the last 10 months, but when i did watch it all the time (1989-2000) this was rarely if ever the case. For about 30 minutes in 1989 Rick Rude and Randy Savage were the singles title holders, but then Hulk Hogan ruined everything as he so typically does and we were back to having good guys rule the stage.

However, unlike 1989, there are now five singles titles compared to two. To have five “hated” wrestlers all holding championships is very rare indeed. I’m sure the people at WWE headquarters are smarter than me so there must be a reason for this. (Sidenote: During the Attitude Era the lines of heel and face were extremely blended so even when more titles were introduced, heels were often loved as much as faces and pretty much everybody had a mixed reaction from the crowd, except Austin & McMahon.)

WWE Lesson 1: Almost nothing is a coincidence or a mistake. It’s always leading to something bigger.

With the exception of Owen Hart falling to his death and (maybe) the Montreal Screwjob, nothing in the WWE is a mistake. The WWE knows damn well they have all heels as champions (except Air Boom, and honestly, who gives a shit?) and the reason I want, the reason I hope, is that these champions will unite in an nWo-esque alliance (Kevin Nash does keep popping up…) and try to dominate the WWE Universe. Unsafe work conditions (Outsiders/Henry), humiliating gimmicks (Spray painting people/Rhode’s bagging people), Powerful person pulling the strings (Bischoff/Laurinaitis), all I’m saying is the makings are there.

Heel stables are a long-standing tradition of awesomeness in wrestling. The Heenan Family, DX, nWo, The 4 Horsemen (my personal fav.) have all had amazing and long-lasting storylines that produced some of the best television moments in sports entertainment history. It’s easy to hate one guy, but its fun to hate a whole group of guys. They usually do more to piss you off (if you root for the faces, that is), and the stories are more elaborate and less predictable.

So why not bring the heel champions together to create the most powerful force in the WWE? There was a time when the nWo held on to a ton of titles in the WCW, but that happened after the formation. Think about it, in this day and age where people are Occupying city streets to protest greed and financial dominance, what better story than to have all the most powerful superstars in the WWE (the champs) band together to protect their collective interests. However I’m usually wrong about these things and often just let my imagination get the best of me. I can only hope something this epic is in the making. Only time will tell…

"Sorry John, I don't remember you being so terrible."

Tales from the Turnbuckle:  DQ’s? We don’t need no skinkin’ DQ’s!

This is just a little part of my blog that I’ll dedicate to the miscellaneous, random, goofy, or just interesting facts about wrestling. Today, we’ll discuss some lesser known rules of kayfabe wrestling. We all know it’s scripted and the refs are there to help support the chaos, not control it. However, if the refs did the job they are supposedly paid to do, almost every single match would end in disqualification. Here are some of the things that supposedly can get you tossed out if the refs decided to be sticklers for the rules. I’ll also throw in hypothetical long-term consequences of what would happen if these rules were inforced:

– Throwing a “closed fist” punch. Hogan and Austin never win a match and both leave the WWE in less than a year.

-Any outside support (manager/tag partner in a singles match) standing on the apron. Jimmy Hart and Bobby Heenan can not find work as managers and instead form into a talk-radio duo and eventually become a bizarro universe version of JR and The King.

– Low blows. Ric Flair’s World Heavyweight title count goes from 20 to about 4 and he retires in 1997 when he should have.

– Standing on the top rope for more than 5 seconds. Undertaker still destroys lots of souls, but the world never sees the “Old School”, and one of the coolest moves of all time is never born.

And my personal favorite:

-Intentionally throwing someone over the top rope.  Jesse “The Body” Ventura never gets ample alone time in the ring to do his awesome poses and therefore doesn’t gain the national attention he so rightly deserves. This causes a lack of funding needed to win the 1998 Minnesota Gubernatorial Election. Instead, Republican Norm Coleman wins the race he should have narrowly lost, and also wins the 2008 senate election against Al Franken that he also lost in a painfully close race. That Red-State love infects the Presidential election, Minnesota votes for McCain but Obama still wins the national election and, as an act of defiance/desperation/stupidity, votes Sarah Palin in as Governor in 2014 and by 2015 we are in a full fledged war with Canada over some alleged moose shootings that happened near the border.

So lets all take a moment to thank the officials of the WWE/F for not being sticklers for the rules, otherwise we’d be preparing for the Canadian Invasion. Thanks for reading and remember, when life gets you down, kick out at two. and if you can’t kick out at two, reach for the ropes.

–PerfectHeel

Discussion topic: What would be your finishing move in the squared circle?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s