Just like A-Train, the PerfectHeel is back on track. I must admit, a large part of the hiatus of this blog was due to the fact that I’m lazy. An even bigger part is that I was uninspired. However, that could not be further from the case today. Even going into WrestleMania, I didn’t seem as jacked as most of my friends were. This is at least partially because I knew my boy was going to go down to the Big Slow (nobody talks that much shit and gets away with it, not even the son of the American Dream), but also, I just didn’t feel the spark and spirit that my comrades had in their hearts. They knew the night was going to be magical, and I was just too much of a Negative Nancy to see it. My mind changed quickly after the 18 second jobbing of Daniel Bryan. Was he going to lose that match? Of course. Did I see it going down that way? Absolutely not!
One of the biggest things that was destroyed with the internet is the element of surprise. With so many rumor mills and message boards, the truth almost always comes out, but I don’t know of a single person that saw this coming. Many people are upset because they feel those two didn’t get the time to shine like they deserved, and those people are 100% correct. Sheamus is amazing, especially for a big man (who I generally think are just a bunch of overrated sack of potatoes) and D-Bry is a true wrestler’s wrestler. It was great to see the fans give him the props he deserves. Even still though, I loved the kick-off just for the shock and awe factor, and I am forever grateful that Rhodes didn’t have to job for the element of surprise. I like ya Bryan, but not that much. The night was filled with great moments, but I hate the kind of blogs that just do rundowns and don’t look at the bigger picture, so lets widen our scope a little.
I can honestly say for the first time in many, many, many years that I have no idea what’s going to happen next. More gimmicks are coming out of the woodwork (people who have been reading this for a while already know my love of well-executed gimmicks) every week, random alliances are popping up out of nowhere (Brodus Clay coming to the aid of Santino Marella? Fo Realz?), titles are being defended regularly on weekly programs? All I can say is I WANT MORE! This is one of the most exciting times for wrestling. Its the dawning of a “new era”, and if the crowds can keep up even one fifth of the excitement and intensity that the Miami crowds had for WM and Raw, this is going to be a full-blown circus. And I say good! This is professional entertainment. There was a bit of a staleness going on lately that was starting to effect a lot of people. My friend Tony and I continued our tag-team debate, and I’ll admit that tag team wrestling can be VERY formulaic at times, but that doesn’t have to be the case. The WWE is constantly re-inventing the wheel, and if they can do it for the tag team division, I might be in WWE ecstasy. Who knows, they might even start giving DZ the respect he deserves, but now I think I’m just getting ahead of myself.
Of course, no Heel post would be complete with me throwing love to the best Intercontinental Champion in the last 15 years, Cody Rhodes. Yes he went down to the Big Slow, but he did his job, and that’s bring credibility back to the Intercontinental Title. No longer is this belt in the same ranks as the U.S. title or Diva’s title. This is a title that actually means something now. You have to be a name to deserve the shot. He didn’t drop it to Kofi Kingston or Alex Riley or Ezekiel fuckin’ Jackson, he dropped it to a 5 time heavyweight champion (6 time if you count ECW, but nobody counts ECW, and nobody should.) Furthermore, Rhodes brought back the classic design (which I think we can all agree was brilliant), engaged in huge storylines, and successfully defended his title against headliners. And now, it’s on to bigger and better things. I think that big gold belt would look damn good around the waist of the dashing one. That pasty Irish cheese-bomb better be shaking in his kilt (Jingoism for the win!) because now the sky’s the limit. Did you hear the response he got from the Miami crowd at Raw? My man is getting respect. And by the way, NOBODY looked better coming down that aisle on Sunday.
So where does the WWE go from here? I have no idea, but you better believe I’ll be tuning in to find out. What were your impressions of WrestleMania XXVIII? Where do you see these storylines going? And also, what gimmick are they going to re-work next? I’m thinking a re-work of Duke “the Dumpster” Drose, or perhaps we can bring back The Brood.
Thanks for reading everybody and remember: when life gets you down, kick out at two. And if you can’t kick out at two, reach for the ropes.
This week’s Tales from the Turnbuckle takes a look at the all important “gimmick”. Every once in a while a wrestler has to go through a pretty bad cast of characters before he or she finds one that fits their personality and really lets them shine. Those road bumps along the way can be pretty embarrassing. Hey, we can’t all get it right the first time.
The most important thing for any superstar is to get over with the crowd. Be it in a positive or negative light, every wrestler needs to be receiving some sort of heat. Otherwise, nobody cares. A lot of credibility will come from in-ring ability, but the package still has to be pretty. A back story needs to be interesting, face paint needs to be impressive or intimidating, and we most certainly shouldn’t be laughing at you. Some characters, like Bobby Heenan or R-Truth, make a career getting people to laugh with them, but that is a totally different story and one that merits respect, not ridicule. But the importance of one’s shtick can not be underrated.
Here’s a fun fact: Before becoming “the Big Red Monster, the scarred evil brother of the Undertaker, the fire-breathing and brimstone-pounding machine” that is Kane, that scary mo-fo had a dental practice? In 1995, and thankfully not much longer after, The man now known as Kane was Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. A dentist with an ugly streak and an uglier mouth, Dr. Yankem was supposed to be every 7 year old’s nightmare, an evil dentist who wants to harm you by putting sharp metal instruments into your mouth. How could that possibly not be scary? Because he looked like Frankenstien ate Michael Cera. Blonde curly hair on a big oafish guy still makes him far less scary. Add that to the fact that Glenn Jacobs (the good doctor’s real name) was not nearly the in-ring wrestler he would become and he had horrible mic skills. There’s a reason Paul Bearer did all of Kane’s talking for a decade.
Before starting in the WWF, Terry Taylor and Curt Hennig were considered to be on par with each other as far as superstar potential goes. Well, Curt Hennig was fitted with the moniker “Mr. Perfect”, an arrogant super-athlete who was the definition of textbook wrestler, while Terry Taylor strutted his way into the boots of “The Red Rooster” a guy who had a strip of red spiked hair among his long blonde hair to symbolize a rooster as he bobbed his head throughout the match like a rooster and crowed out to the audience like, well, you see where I’m going with this. The Rooster was supposed to be a face and for all intents and purposes he was, but he was too goofy for anybody to take him seriously or really care if he won or not. Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect slapped his opponents in the face as he yelled at and ridiculed them. He would throw his hands up and his nose in the air as if to say “take it all in, losers” and people despised him. Guess who had the more illustrious career? Gimmicks matter. Here’s a few more fun “AKA’s” for you to impress your friends with.
-Before being the pimp-tastic “Godfather”, Charles Wright also portrayed afro-centric boxer “Kama” and voodoo master, “Papa Shango.”
-“Chris Kanyon” was mortal-kombat-meets-Oakland-Raider-superfan “Mortis”.
-“Konnan” was MAX MOON! If you don’t know max moon, go look him up immediately. I promise you’ll laugh.
So congratulations to those who were able to find a more successful way to express themselves. To the ones that didn’t, perhaps they needed a manager?
Discussion topic: Survivor Series 5-on-5 match. Who’s your 4 teammates and why?