What the hell did I just watch?
So for a week now, I’ve been inundated with this SmackDown Blast From the Past brouhaha and I must admit, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I imagined red, white, and blue ropes. I imagined sky-blue floor pads surrounding the ring. Hell, maybe there would even be some metal barricades! …I got nothin’. I got a bunch of old guys in terrible skits. I know they’re old, I wasn’t expecting Ted DiBiase to come down off the 2nd rope with a fist drop, but for the love of god, give them something worthwhile. The closest thing to worthwhile entertainment was Jimmy Hart managing a tag team whilst simultaneously annoying the crap out of guest commentator Mick-cactus-dude-mankind-love-jack-Foley to the point of him taking out Sock-O. What was really great about it was the fact that the audience was on Jimmy’s side! Take that, Mick!
I don't know what I want more: The megaphone or that bomb-ass jacket!
The rest of the evening was spent with 1 minute matches and Johnny Dimples stammering his way through his Jerkface speech to Sheamus. Here’s my problem with this work: He goes out and continues to be blatantly unfair to the faces, and that would be fine with me if the WWE hadn’t spent all of Summer 2011 working an angle of “the higher up’s can remove your ass if you’re out of line.” McMahon got thrown out on this premise, and he’s fuckin’ Vince McMahon! If they want me to swallow the notion that he could be kicked out of his position in the company, don’t you dare try to make also “believe” they couldn’t do the exact same thing to Johnny. I’ve brought it up in an old post, but i feel the need to reiterate it now: If you’re going to have fake rules and a fake hierarchy, at least have the decency to fake follow it! I don’t think I’m asking too much here. I think Johnny Dimples (i’m going to keep using this nickname til it sticks, so get used to it) is a great character. Now, the guy playing him sucks as an actor, but we’re kind of in a catch-22 in that regard, so let me approach it from another angle. Why doesn’t J-Dimps (spin-off of a nickname that hasn’t even caught on yet, man I’m good!) have to abide by the same standards of fairness that were required for HHH to keep his job? I understand that we want to build heat for this guy, but for the love of god, the heat is already so high, I think we can just let it continue to boil at it’s current pace. I feel like the audience would get a kick out of watching Johnny squirm as he has to play by the rules, knowing it’s killing him inside. Now, to be fair, the People Power era has just begun so perhaps this will come up eventually, but it’s already dragging too long for me. (Side note: Everybody’s hat needs to go off to the creative man or woman who played up this whole politician/propaganda angle for Johnny Dimples. It’s so good it almost pisses me off.) But I’ve been sidetracked by the worst wardrobe in show business for long enough, lets get back to the geriatrics.
That is the exact same smile I have in my kindergarten picture
“Cowboy” Bob Orton got mysteriously beat up by Kane, who then beat up Randy when he went looking for his dad. Kane then said “I love family reunions”. I should have turned the TV off right then and there, but I didn’t. Because I’m stupid. I then got to watch more of my heroes tarnish their legacy, until finally Roddy Piper came out and put on a clinic of how to use a microphone to it’s maximum potential. If you want to hear a badass story about Piper and Cowboy Bob, told by the Hot Rod himself, click here. Most of the Legends still looked pretty decent (considering their incredibly advanced age), and I would have bet my very last dollar that Mae Young was dead, so it was great to see her in what was honestly one of the funnier moments of the evening. But all is not bad in the WWE. One thing appears to be here to stay and I, for one, couldn’t be happier: SQUASH MATCHES! RyBack, Brodus Clay, and Lord A-Train are all squashing 180 pound sacks of potatoes and it’s fantastic! They kick jobber’s asses for 20-60 seconds and then they move on. This is how you introduce people. This is how you get people to believe that these guys are godless killing machines, and unstoppable forces of nature. Now, when every one of these guys get into their first legit feud, i’ll be truly wondering who is going to come out on top, and who is going to be the superstar to derail (pun intended) these new monsters on the roster.
Overall the night was a definite disappointment, but hey, these guys never take a week off, and even I can cut them a little slack. Here’s to hoping next week is better. Thanks for reading everybody. Remember, when life gets you down, kick out at 2. When you can’t kick out at 2, reach for the ropes.
–PerfectHeel
I don’t know where the WWE is going, but I’m fully on board
Just like A-Train, the PerfectHeel is back on track. I must admit, a large part of the hiatus of this blog was due to the fact that I’m lazy. An even bigger part is that I was uninspired. However, that could not be further from the case today. Even going into WrestleMania, I didn’t seem as jacked as most of my friends were. This is at least partially because I knew my boy was going to go down to the Big Slow (nobody talks that much shit and gets away with it, not even the son of the American Dream), but also, I just didn’t feel the spark and spirit that my comrades had in their hearts. They knew the night was going to be magical, and I was just too much of a Negative Nancy to see it. My mind changed quickly after the 18 second jobbing of Daniel Bryan. Was he going to lose that match? Of course. Did I see it going down that way? Absolutely not!
One of the biggest things that was destroyed with the internet is the element of surprise. With so many rumor mills and message boards, the truth almost always comes out, but I don’t know of a single person that saw this coming. Many people are upset because they feel those two didn’t get the time to shine like they deserved, and those people are 100% correct. Sheamus is amazing, especially for a big man (who I generally think are just a bunch of overrated sack of potatoes) and D-Bry is a true wrestler’s wrestler. It was great to see the fans give him the props he deserves. Even still though, I loved the kick-off just for the shock and awe factor, and I am forever grateful that Rhodes didn’t have to job for the element of surprise. I like ya Bryan, but not that much. The night was filled with great moments, but I hate the kind of blogs that just do rundowns and don’t look at the bigger picture, so lets widen our scope a little.
It looks like the A-Train ate Hakushi.
I can honestly say for the first time in many, many, many years that I have no idea what’s going to happen next. More gimmicks are coming out of the woodwork (people who have been reading this for a while already know my love of well-executed gimmicks) every week, random alliances are popping up out of nowhere (Brodus Clay coming to the aid of Santino Marella? Fo Realz?), titles are being defended regularly on weekly programs? All I can say is I WANT MORE! This is one of the most exciting times for wrestling. Its the dawning of a “new era”, and if the crowds can keep up even one fifth of the excitement and intensity that the Miami crowds had for WM and Raw, this is going to be a full-blown circus. And I say good! This is professional entertainment. There was a bit of a staleness going on lately that was starting to effect a lot of people. My friend Tony and I continued our tag-team debate, and I’ll admit that tag team wrestling can be VERY formulaic at times, but that doesn’t have to be the case. The WWE is constantly re-inventing the wheel, and if they can do it for the tag team division, I might be in WWE ecstasy. Who knows, they might even start giving DZ the respect he deserves, but now I think I’m just getting ahead of myself.
Of course, no Heel post would be complete with me throwing love to the best Intercontinental Champion in the last 15 years, Cody Rhodes. Yes he went down to the Big Slow, but he did his job, and that’s bring credibility back to the Intercontinental Title. No longer is this belt in the same ranks as the U.S. title or Diva’s title. This is a title that actually means something now. You have to be a name to deserve the shot. He didn’t drop it to Kofi Kingston or Alex Riley or Ezekiel fuckin’ Jackson, he dropped it to a 5 time heavyweight champion (6 time if you count ECW, but nobody counts ECW, and nobody should.) Furthermore, Rhodes brought back the classic design (which I think we can all agree was brilliant), engaged in huge storylines, and successfully defended his title against headliners. And now, it’s on to bigger and better things. I think that big gold belt would look damn good around the waist of the dashing one. That pasty Irish cheese-bomb better be shaking in his kilt (Jingoism for the win!) because now the sky’s the limit. Did you hear the response he got from the Miami crowd at Raw? My man is getting respect. And by the way, NOBODY looked better coming down that aisle on Sunday.
Thank you for the last 236 days. You are a true champion.
So where does the WWE go from here? I have no idea, but you better believe I’ll be tuning in to find out. What were your impressions of WrestleMania XXVIII? Where do you see these storylines going? And also, what gimmick are they going to re-work next? I’m thinking a re-work of Duke “the Dumpster” Drose, or perhaps we can bring back The Brood.
Thanks for reading everybody and remember: when life gets you down, kick out at two. And if you can’t kick out at two, reach for the ropes.
–PerfectHeel
The future is funky, my friend
2012 is going to be a fantastic year for the WWE. Launching the WWE Network, the much needed re-vamping of the logo (the attitude era is long-since gone, its time to get rid of the “extreme” font), and some good old fashioned fun being brought back to the squared circle, from two of the most unexpected sources. First we have John Laurinaitis and this whole Corporate interference thing the WWE is bringing back. Now, don’t get me wrong, the guy still can’t act, and has an absolutely desolate wardrobe, but the storyline he’s in right now is fantastic and Punk is good enough on the mic to make up for Johnny. This character is great. He’s hated in a comparable yet completely separate way from the way Mr. McMahon was hated. And how appropriate is it that Punk is pretty much the modern day Stone Cold to play antagonist to Laurinaitis’ stumbling, bumbling, executive-vice-president-of-talent-relations version of the Boss.
And then there’s Brodus Clay. Where the hell did this come from? I remember a few short months ago watching Brodus stoically destroy hometown jobbers and all the sudden, i have a fatter version of the Godfather on my hands? Let me just say: I love it! I know I’m the heel and all of that, but this guy is entertaining as hell. For a big man, he can move very well in the ring, and I have to admit, i’m totally captivated by this guy. For reasons unknown, I’m fully on board the bandwagon.
Funkassaurus Rex!
However, what has me even more geeked is the Royal Rumble match coming up in about 10 days. To me, this is the best match the WWF has ever created. Born in ’88, improved in ’89, and perfected in ’92 (making the Rumble winner become WWE champ, or at least WWE #1 contender), the Rumble is non-stop action for an hour. The only thing that they could do to improve the rumble is to bring back the wrestler thoughts segment. Why the hell would you ever get rid of this? This is promo gold!
I’m not one for predictions, especially in a scripted sport, so I’ll just say the top 5 Wrestlers I’ll be pulling for in the rumble.
Brodus Clay – If this guy wins, it’d be the quickest and biggest push any superstar has received since Hogan winning the WCW title in his first in-ring appearance for the company. However, he’s entertaining, and i dont think nearly enough big men have won this rumble. Again, i know it’s scripted but Rey Mysterio going coast-to-coast? give me a break. Brodus would have eaten his children before Rey even hit the ring.
Chris Jericho – This return still has me confused. He’d be such a great opponent for Punk, and while I love Dolph, there’s no chance Punk loses that title before ‘Mania. So why not have 2 of the best technical wrestlers in the biz face each other for the title at Wrestlemania? Besides, we still have no idea what he’s doing back in the WWE yet because of his silence, but they’ve already had him turn his back on Punk in a match, perhaps the Rumble will really set this thing in motion?
Sheamus – Going back to the big guys, it’s totally plausible for Sheamus to win the rumble from a size standpoint, he’s been in several undercard feuds, coming out the winner in all of them (literately and figuratively ). He’s a great character who’s fantastic in big matches. Him and DB could have a great Wrestlemania match. Especially now that Mr. Bryan is becoming quite the convincing heel.
Randy Orton – The Viper has been out of the Main Event scene for too long. This guy is still unbelievable, and lately i’ve been watching matches from earlier in his career before I got back into the scene. This guy deserves to be one of the most decorated champions ever. An Orton/Punk reboot would be much appreciated by me, who missed some of the better moments the first go-around, and Orton/Bryan would be entertaining also. Pretty much anybody you put in the ring with Orton will have a good match. And damn…those dropkicks…
Cody Rhodes – My man-crush on Cody does not appear to be dying down at all, does it? The current I.C. champ (5-month long reign and counting. Just sayin’) recently said he was going to pull an Ultimate Warrior and hold both titles. Now, even I admit that Rhodes is not ready to be the face of the company yet, but a push like this could get him ready very quickly. Either way, I think 2012 is going to take Cody to the main event level, and I say bring it on.
One bold prediction I will make: This year, the winner comes from the dreaded 11-20 range. I’m thinking #15. Go define the odds, middle men!
Discussion Question: Who are YOU pulling for in this year’s Rumble?
It’s in the bank
In watching the most recent Smackdown, A great storyline (and match with Cody Rhodes) was continued with Daniel Bryan’s quest for championship gold. You see, five months ago DB won the Smackdown 2011 Money In The Bank match. I truly feel this is the best concept the WWE has incorporated in the last 10 years. Here are my top 5 reasons the Money In The Bank match is such a beautiful idea.
5. It involves a ladder. I’m a sucker for ladders. Ever since Shawn Michaels went “Superfly” on Razor Ramon, I’ve been all about the ladders. They’re so versatile! The drama is great, the finishes are always over the top, and there’s always a good chance someone is going through a table, which segues nicely into number 4…
4. It is attitude-esque. Oooh that violence! At times it seems a little absurd that all 7 guys on the floor would just stand in a little huddle while someone like Jeff Hardy or John Morrison jumps on them from 20 feet in the air, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s super dangerous and entertaining to watch. These guys kill themselves for our mere entertainment dollar. The least we can do is respect and give props when done so. The Attitude Era took a lot of liberties with the word “wrestling” but i’d be lying if i said it didn’t WOW and impress me.
3. It ALWAYS fast-tracks your career. It’s pretty much a given that if you have that briefcase, you’re going to be a mainstay on every single televised program. And since that briefcase has been cashed successfully EVERY time, it’s pretty much a title in-and-of itself. Of course, someone is going to be the first person to not capitalize on it, and that person will have that stigma with them forever, but until that day comes, I consider the MITB briefcase to be the 3rd biggest title in the game.
2. Anybody can win! Because this briefcase can be cashed in 3 calendar seasons later, it truly means that any of the competitors have a realistic shot of winning. if they plan on using the briefcase soon, then of course one of the bigger names in the event are going to win. However, like in this case, where they planned on making this thing go the distance, they were able to have DB win it, a true upset in this scripted world we enthrall ourselves in.
1. You have to stay on your toes. Unless you have serious insider information, you don’t know when the MITB briefcase is going to be cashed in. So any time the champ is down, if that briefcase is still in play, somewhere in the back of your head, an alarm goes off, telling you to be on alert for the drama. Summerslam was a lackluster of a main event, until CM Punk won, then Kevin Nash, then BAM, Alberto Del Rio (without even being properly introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez!) runs down, cashes in the contract, and dashes the dreams of the Punk fans. Now, I consider myself to be one of those Punk fans, but I still love a good twist. And that single move made me feel just in actually ordering the pay per view (before i realized you could watch it online for free.)
This is a call to arms. I’m going through writers block, so if you read this and have any ideas for topics/top 10 lists/whatever, please let me know what you’d like to read about. After all, I write this blog for others to read, not myself.
–PerfectHeel
PG with Attitude?
If the world of professional wrestling is ever-evolving, why does it seem like I’m watching a weak version of the same old thing? We should learn from the past, not fuck it up.
I was having a conversation with a fellow wrestling aficionado , Tony, about the “PG” nature of the current WWE. He is steadfast in the belief that the current WWE is too soft compared to what it used to be in the heart of the Attitude Era. While I don’t think professional wrestling is too “soft” per se, I do think that it’s become a bit too polished and clean. So what do I mean by too polished?
Back in “the day” wrestlers typically had a ver different build and things were much more mat-oriented. However, as the 90’s wore on, WCW turned to higher violence, but really focused on cruiserweights. Meanwhile the WWF started bringing in some real high flyers like the Hardy Boys, but where the WWF really broke out was the uber-violent department. I loved both of these wrestling organizations at this time because they were so starkly different from each other, yet both had an amazing amount of talent. Now it seems, we’ve watered down the best of both of those worlds.
The fun, high-flying luchadors are now doing the same moves to Sheamus and Drew McIntyre as they used to do to Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis. I have a hard time believing Rey Mysterio Jr. can actually huracanrana Wade Barrett. Meanwhile, the “violence” has been turned down significantly compared to 1999, but not to the point it was in the late 80’s. However, to be honest, I think it’s worse in a way now. In watching a “street fight” with Randy Orton and David Otunga on today’s Smackdown!, I actually just started channel surfing. A certain amount of this can be chalked up to the fact that Mr. Hudson was allowed to enter the squared circle. However, a bigger reason for disappointment was the sheer lack of chaos that ensued. Street fights should not spend any significant amount of time in the ring, they should involve more than 1 weapon, and by the end of it, you better have me convinced someone actually got hurt. I would rather see a normal match than some weak excuse for an “all out brawl”. Even the WCW knew how to properly put on a street fight in the mid-late 90’s. You want to see a street fight? Here’s a fuckin’ street fight!!! …and here’s the 2nd part of the fuckin’ street fight!.
HARDCORE!!!
I understand the WWE wanting to create a new image for themselves but I still think there are a few things we can take from the past to make the present even better.
1. (On behalf of Tony) Bring back Tornado Tag matches! So many great tag team title matches during that Attitude Era, and what’s the overlying theme amongst most of them? They were tornado matches! Be it ladder, table, TLC, or just plain tornado tag, there’s no doubt that it was more entertaining. I understand it can’t happen all the time, but it is pretty much completely gone now and all we want to know is “why?”
2. Let the blood flow! This personally upsets me the most. I can’t recal the last time i saw a Superstar bleed significantly. However, this makes no sense to me because even at its cartooniest of times, there was still plenty of blood shed in that squared circle. At WrestlemaniaV, Hogan wrestles most of the main event with blood running into his eye. Shawn Michaels has lost gallons of blood throughout his career (and the changing images of the WWE/F) and it always was appreciated by the fans. After all, aren’t they supposed to give us their BLOOD, sweat, and tears?
3. Cruiserweight division. Right now the WWE has a decent roster of cruiserweights. I quickly scanned the WWE roster and found 20 guys that should be in their own division. Get rid of the U.S. title, bring back the Cruiserweight title, and build it up with some great rivalries. Maybe some people find it entertaining to watch Kofi Kingston face Kane, but I much prefer 2 high flyers move in the ring with each other. They are more familiar with the moves so they are less stiff with their bumps, and more important, it’s actually believable. I get the whole david vs. goliath concept, but let the little guys fling each other around, and let the big guys go back to pounding the crap out of each other.
What aspect of wrestling went away before its time? Or perhaps, what aspect needs to go away sooner rather than later? Let your voice be heard!
–PerfectHeel
Giving Thanks
The attitude of gratitude has arrived. Survivor Series is less than a week removed, and I want to share what I was most grateful for during the pay-per-view: Every single person/team that I wanted to win did. I can’t help but feel that the WWE put this pay-per-view on just for me. The only dampening of spirits that occurred was Mark Henry holding on to the belt (not that Big Show would be that much better of a champion), but nonetheless, i was a perfect 6/6 on people I wanted to win. The most surprising result was the one I personally felt most invested in. Somehow, the WWE had Randy Orton’s team lose in the Traditional SS match. Orton has a very good track record in these matches, and is famous for being the Sole Survivor. And with the way this match was going, it looked like there was going to be another Randy Orton comeback as The Viper has become so popular for. But this year, it wasn’t meant to be.
Wrestlemania XXX main event? Yes Please!
Randy Orton is def. in my top 5 in the WWE right now. Probably top 3, but right now #1 on that list has to be Cody Rhodes. The current IC champion is absolutely sick. Phenomenal in-ring skills, a great wrestling personality, good looks, and championship bloodline really make me wonder how far they are going to let this guy go. I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but I see a LOT of main events in this kid’s future. This is a chance for the WWE to right the wrongs they are famous for by allowing this guy to live up to his potential, despite the fact that he’s not bulging with muscles or 6’6+. And before anybody wants to shoot back with HBK or Bret Hart or even Randy Savage, remember this: they were all faces when they won the ‘ship. The only way for a heel to be champ it seems is if he’s physically intimidating, despite how stiff or awkward he is to watch in the ring. This is one of the things that WCW always did better than WWF. If you are a good enough draw and put on the most entertaining match on the card, why the hell shouldn’t you be rewarded with the belt? Imagine if Ric Flair had been in the WWF the whole time. The Nature Boy would have had 2 title reigns. If Mason Ryan gets a Heavyweight Championship match before Rhodes does, I’ll start watching TNA (and then probably drown myself out of boredom). I don’t know anybody who has luke-warm feelings about Rhodes. Most hate him, some love him. Either way, I am grateful that Cody Rhodes got to be one of the Survivors in this year’s Survivor Series match.
Also, I must express gratitude that CM Punk will (hopefully) actually have a legitimate title run. Finally, I’m most grateful for the host of my Survivor Series watching, Colin, and my friend Tony for inviting me to watch the Series the way it was meant to be watched, on a real TV!
Discussion topic: what was the most shocking WWE victory you ever saw?
–perfect heel
Top 10 Survivor Series Matches
With the Survivor Series just hours away, now seems like the time to look back and reflect on the best that the Survivor Series has offered us. Admittedly, I am partial to the old school 5-on-5 or 4-0n-4 matches, but there have been some great singles matches, namely title matches, that have happened also. Also, vote in the poll at the bottom of the page!
10. Team Kingston: Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, Christian, & R-Truth vs. Team Orton: Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, CM Punk, & William Regal. (2009)Admittedly, this was during my hiatus from watching the warriors of the squared circle, but after watching this match on youtube, damn this was underrated. Take out Mark Henry (which, fortunately for all, happens quickly) and Ted Dibiase, and you have 8 phenominal in-ring wrestlers who put on a helluva show. A 20 minute match for a survivor series match would normally be considered “rushed”, but in doing some research, this was actually a pretty long survivor series match by the current standards. If you’ve never seen this match, definitely worth checking out.
9. Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, British Bulldog & Psycho Sid vs. Owen Hart, Yokozuna, Razor Ramon, & Dean Douglas (1995). 1995 was not a great year for the WWF as WCW was finally starting to make MAJOR waves and this would actually be less than a year away from the full-blown Monday Night Wars that revolutionized professional wrestling for the next 4 years. However, with more and more talent slipping, the WWF was still able to put together this cavalcade of superstars and turned it into one of the better worked matches. I only wish this happened a few years earlier for Yokozuna’s sake. Besides that, this match is surprisingly flawless.
8. Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin (1996) Match spilling out into the audience? Check. Slingshot into spanish announce table? Check. Spilling over steel barricades? check. This match was brutal. Austin was starting to become popular, he was already “Stone Cold”, but he wasn’t quite the phenomenon that he would later become. I’ll put it to you this way: He wasn’t wearing knee braces yet. This match was actually just a prelude to their classic Wrestlemania 13 match. That was the match that launched Stone Cold into the stratosphere. The cool part about this match? This is a 5 star match and it isn’t even these guys’ best match AGAINST EACH OTHER. Just goes to show how good these two were at working matches together.
7. Team Bischoff: Chris Jericho, Christian, Randy Orton, Scott Steiner and Mark Henry vs. Team Austin: Shawn Michaels, Rob Van Dam, Booker T, Bubba Ray Dudley, and D-Von Dudley (2003) This match kicks a whole lot of ass. Slow beginning but great action after the first couple of minutes. It’s always better when there’s something on the line and at this point in the WWE, it was for Stone Cold’s career, and Austin wasn’t even in the match. A fantastic series of swings really kept this match entertaining. HBK gave it his all and spilled a lot of blood for the event. I have a feeling if I watched this when it first aired, it would have solidified me as a Randy Orton fan, as well. Great match.
6. Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart (1992) Bret Hart was really taking over as the face of the organization as this was only the 2nd Pay-Per-View the WWF had done without Hulk Hogan on the roster. Michaels was not ready to be heavyweight champion yet but would continue to be a great on-and-off Intercontinental Champion for the next year. However, this did showcase the future of the WWF and was a truly great main event. Fun side note, this match would not have been the main event had it not been for the Ultimate Warrior. Originally, the main event was supposed to be Ric Flair & Razor Ramon vs. Randy Savage & The Ultimate Warrior but then the Warrior and McMahon had some disagreements and he split. Mr. Perfect was named the replacement partner and it made for a great storyline because for the past year, Mr. Perfect had been the “executive consultant” for Ric Flair. But in the grand tradition of not giving Curt Hennig his dues, this was pushed to the middle of the card and Hart/Michaels took the Main Event.
5. Undertaker vs. Hulk Hogan (1991) This match was amazing for the following reasons: It was the first non-traditional survivor series match to happen, it took place in Detroit, a good friend of mine was sitting front row for the event and was shown a lot on that pay-per-view, and it was the death of Hulkamania! Hogan lost the title a few times before, but this was the last legitimate time Hogan would hold the WWF title before jumping ship (Nobody counts Wrestlemania 9, and with good reason). This was a very typical Hogan match throughout most of the bout, but when Ric Flair came down to ringside, you knew something was going down. Tombstone on the steel chair, 1-2-3, cut to a million shots of little kids crying because Hulk had to be helped off on a stretcher. This was the first real flirting with a dark tone that the WWF would explore further. Just shortly before this event was the snake bite incident between Jake Roberts and Randy Savage where a full-sized cobra bit into Randy Savage’s arm. Legit. Now, they have Hulkamania go down to the dark force that is The Undertaker. This wasn’t a passing of the torch kind of match, but it was a look into the future of professional wrestling.
4. The Rude Brood: Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect & The Fabulous Rougeaus vs. Roddy’s Rowdies: Roddy Piper, “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, & The Bushwhackers (1989) . What a great yin/yang matchup. On one hand, you have four of the most entertaining brawlers the industry has ever seen. On the other, you have 4 technically sound Heels who exuded smug arrogance. Roddy’s Rowdies had 2 WWE Hall of Famers, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper & “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka (Piper and Snuka could technically wrestle but were known for their brawling ability) team up with The Bushwhackers (who were more popular than Zach Ryder, but essentially popular for the same reason: they were morons who people liked to mimic and were extremely entertaining). Rude’s Brood featured “Ravishing” Rick Rude and Mr. Perfect (my thoughts on both of these wrestlers should be apparent) pair up with the Rougeau Brothers, a very under-utilized tag team with phenominal athletic ability. This is the match I’ve watched more often than any other match in my entire time as a fan of this drama we love so much. Funny, impressive, dramatic, it had it all. Including the perfect ending!
3. The Powers of Pain , The Rockers, The British Bulldogs, The Hart Foundation, and The Young Stallions vs. Demolition, The Brain Busters , The Bolsheviks , The Fabulous Rougeaus, and The Conquistadors (1988) Now this is what survivor series is all about. In one match you have 20 superstars. 10-on-10 awesomeness. Talk about “never a dull moment”. The WWF did a few of these “tag team” Survivor Series matches and quite frankly, i don’t know why they ever stopped. The kicker to this match was if your partner was eliminated, you were too. There were so many bodies in the ring, it was truly a sight to behold. I think the reason this wouldn’t work now is there aren’t nearly enough tag teams for a match like this to matter. But in this match, you have 5 legendary tag teams (Rockers, Bulldogs, Hart Foundation, Demolition, & Brain Busters) , along with a slue of other talent, going at it for 42 minutes! Add on to that a double heel/face turn, and you have one of the best matches the Survivor Series has ever produced.
2. Team WWF vs. Team Alliance (2001). Team WWF: The Rock, Chris Jericho, The Undertaker, Kane, & The Big Show. Team Alliance: Steve Austin, Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, & Kurt Angle 2001 was a bizarre time in the WWF universe. For the first time in about 7 years, there was absolutely no outside threat to the WWF. Other major professional wrestling organizations had been eliminated, boxing was already passe, and MMA wasn’t cool yet (what a wonderful time that was!). So it would have been easy for the WWF to get lazy and just throw out any pre-packaged crap, but instead they took this opportunity to create one of the best story lines ever with WCW/ECW members teaming up to try to take down the machine that is the WWF. This was more than likely the most star-studded survivor series match and it lasted 45 minutes. EVERY wrestler in this match was a Heavyweight Champion besides Shane McMahon who, for being daddy’s boy, was a damn impressive brawler. The best 5-on-5 match there is.
1. Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart (1997) In all honesty, this is not a better wrestling match than their 1992 SS match, but this is no regular sequel. This is the Montreal Screwjob, one of the most controversial endings ever. And with me, infamy gets you everywhere. There isn’t a whole lot to say about this match that hasn’t been well documented everywhere. This was in the heart of the Monday Night Wars and was what caused Bret Hart to go to WCW where he would be greatly under-utilized. While admittedly I’m not the biggest Bret Hart fan, I respect the hell out of him and he gave a lot to the WWF. This was his first curtain call and the one I’ll always remember. This really cleared the way for Austin to totally dominate the popularity. Michaels and DX were a pretty distant 2nd. I consider this to be the closing chapter on the old-school WWF.
Same Dude, Different Gimmick (Did you know Kane was a dentist?)
This week’s Tales from the Turnbuckle takes a look at the all important “gimmick”. Every once in a while a wrestler has to go through a pretty bad cast of characters before he or she finds one that fits their personality and really lets them shine. Those road bumps along the way can be pretty embarrassing. Hey, we can’t all get it right the first time.
The most important thing for any superstar is to get over with the crowd. Be it in a positive or negative light, every wrestler needs to be receiving some sort of heat. Otherwise, nobody cares. A lot of credibility will come from in-ring ability, but the package still has to be pretty. A back story needs to be interesting, face paint needs to be impressive or intimidating, and we most certainly shouldn’t be laughing at you. Some characters, like Bobby Heenan or R-Truth, make a career getting people to laugh with them, but that is a totally different story and one that merits respect, not ridicule. But the importance of one’s shtick can not be underrated.
Here’s a fun fact: Before becoming “the Big Red Monster, the scarred evil brother of the Undertaker, the fire-breathing and brimstone-pounding machine” that is Kane, that scary mo-fo had a dental practice? In 1995, and thankfully not much longer after, The man now known as Kane was Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. A dentist with an ugly streak and an uglier mouth, Dr. Yankem was supposed to be every 7 year old’s nightmare, an evil dentist who wants to harm you by putting sharp metal instruments into your mouth. How could that possibly not be scary? Because he looked like Frankenstien ate Michael Cera. Blonde curly hair on a big oafish guy still makes him far less scary. Add that to the fact that Glenn Jacobs (the good doctor’s real name) was not nearly the in-ring wrestler he would become and he had horrible mic skills. There’s a reason Paul Bearer did all of Kane’s talking for a decade.
Pure terror right there
Before starting in the WWF, Terry Taylor and Curt Hennig were considered to be on par with each other as far as superstar potential goes. Well, Curt Hennig was fitted with the moniker “Mr. Perfect”, an arrogant super-athlete who was the definition of textbook wrestler, while Terry Taylor strutted his way into the boots of “The Red Rooster” a guy who had a strip of red spiked hair among his long blonde hair to symbolize a rooster as he bobbed his head throughout the match like a rooster and crowed out to the audience like, well, you see where I’m going with this. The Rooster was supposed to be a face and for all intents and purposes he was, but he was too goofy for anybody to take him seriously or really care if he won or not. Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect slapped his opponents in the face as he yelled at and ridiculed them. He would throw his hands up and his nose in the air as if to say “take it all in, losers” and people despised him. Guess who had the more illustrious career? Gimmicks matter. Here’s a few more fun “AKA’s” for you to impress your friends with.
-Before being the pimp-tastic “Godfather”, Charles Wright also portrayed afro-centric boxer “Kama” and voodoo master, “Papa Shango.”
-“Chris Kanyon” was mortal-kombat-meets-Oakland-Raider-superfan “Mortis”.
-“Konnan” was MAX MOON! If you don’t know max moon, go look him up immediately. I promise you’ll laugh.
So congratulations to those who were able to find a more successful way to express themselves. To the ones that didn’t, perhaps they needed a manager?
Discussion topic: Survivor Series 5-on-5 match. Who’s your 4 teammates and why?
–perfectheel
Bring back the managers!
At WWE’s most recent pay-per-view, Vengance, Zack Ryder wrestled Dolph Ziggler for the U.S. title in what was a pretty quick, yet entertaining match. Dolph won the match and I did my usual celebration for the heel retaining his title. Dolph was able to win the match due to an enormous amount of outside interference. I am a big Dolph Ziggler fan for 3 main reasons. 1. His in-ring ability is sick and his mic skills can match anybody in the WWE right now (except CM Punk). 2. He’s ballsy enough to use the word “perfection” to describe himself, and anybody who welcomes comparisons between himself and Curt Hennig is an extremely confident individual and i respect the “ballsiness” of the declaration. 3. He has a manager! Vicki Guerrero may be annoying, obnoxious, ugly, and ear-piercing, but that’s why she’s so great at the lost art of being a professional wrestling manager.
The sickest part is, most of them were around in the same organization at the same time!
For a very long time, managers have provided landmark moments in wrestling, and offer many practical services. Managers traditionally have amazing mic skills (Mr. Fuji being the exception to that rule) so they can make up for wrestler’s with in-ring ability but a serious lack of personality (Michael Mcguillicutty and Drew McIntyre come to mind). Also, managers provide for many fun and exciting ends to matches.
As a heel fan, it’s fun to watch them screw over the good guys and win in underhanded ways such as distracting the ref, throwing in foreign objects, or interfering with wrestlers on the outside of the ring. But managers aren’t just for heels. There have been several great “face” managers. Paul Bearer continued to manage The Undertaker after his face turn, and Miss Elisabeth was the manager for the Macho Man and Hulk Hogan while they were the two biggest faces in the biz. (Neither of these legends needed a manager, but I’m making a point.)
Managers are often more hated than the wrestlers they represent, especially if they represent multiple wrestlers (Guerrero, Heenan, Hart, Slick, and I’ll throw in Kevin Sullivan for you WCW fans). This is partially because they would be seen several times over the course of an event, but a bigger part is they are just great characters. They are THE characters people love to hate. For only modern wrestling fans, it’s hard to explain the magnitude of heat they can generate. At SummerSlam ’93 I was in attendance, and one of the few things i remember from that event is the only time i covered my ears due to loudness was when Lex Lugar hit Mr. Fuji during the main event. This applause was louder than when Lugar actually won the match (albeit by countout, and Yokozuna retained the title. Damn you technicalities!).
Managers are the little, runty, annoying pests that stand by ringside with too much confidence and too little ability. People loathe them, for managers are often the real reason their favorite wrestler loses. And when they get a title? Forget about it. Nothing more annoying than seeing an ego-filled manager kissing and holding up a belt that takes up 90% of his torso (see: Jimmy Hart & the Nasty Boys) and acting like he’s the man. WWE managers are the sterling definition of sports entertainment, and this is why the WWE NEEDS to bring them back.
Discussion question: what would be your in-ring alter ego?
It’s only a finishing move if you say so.
In modern-era wrestling, it seems like every superstar has their own uniquely named signature and finishing moves. It’s usually just a variation of a relatively simple move, but it looks cool and some of them look like they would actually hurt. However there is one thing that every signature/finishing move has in common, whether it’s a standard or unique hold: It is only a finisher/signature if performed by (or on) a Superstar who has officially declared it so. Most wrestling matches involve a DDT, however the only time a DDT seems to result in a pinfall is if it’s performed by Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Sleeper holds are applied all the time, but unless it’s “Rowdy” Roddy Piper or Ted DiBiase, everybody’s arm stays up at two. That’s wrestling 101, folks.
So what is the special power behind declaring a signature/finishing move? Well, there are a couple schools of kayfabe thought, some of which actually carry water. The first reason why a common move could become a signature/finisher is due to the fact that the wrestler does this hold so often, he’s become a master at it and knows how to get maximum offense out of it. That seems more and more believable as the wrestler gets older and more established, but the first time DiBiase slapped on the Million Dollar Dream, Jobby McJobberson dropped and that’s all there was to it. Finisher born.
Looks Awesome, Does Nothing
Another reason for one Superstar’s move to be more deadly than anybody else is there is something physically that makes the move more damaging. Lex Lugar’s finisher when he first came to the WWF was a forearm smash to the face, with the story being that he had a steel plate implanted in there after a motorcycle accident (this was actually true). Cody Rhodes is currently developing a tendency to use his acrylic mask, which I love, to do some serious damage. It still usually is just a set up for the CrossRhodes, but it’s gotten the W on more than one occasion. Of all the rationales people try to give, this one by far makes the most sense.
The last, and most “sports entertainment” reason why finishers/signatures are super effective for one person: They get funky with it. The People’s Elbow is just a snap elbow drop. The 5-Knuckle Shuffle is a punch to the head, and i don’t even know what the fuck to call that thing Santino Marella does. But they make it a show. And in all their dancing, pad-removing, arm-smacking and hand-waving, somehow a “waste move” becomes the deadliest thing since extremely molded sliced bread. Lets face it, the only reason these moves are so deadly is because we are told they are. And that’s fine, I can play along. I just wish a finishing move would make me go “damn!” instead of “haha”. But then again, I’m a dreamer.
–Perfect Heel
Discussion Topic: Who would you want in your corner as a manager?
It’s a good time to be a bad guy
WARNING: This blog is written with the understanding that it’s readers are somewhat seasoned wrestling viewers and therefore I will not spend a lot of time explaining more basic wrestling knowledge, kayfabe storylines, or concepts. However, i love to answer questions and hear feedback, so please, post away.
As of today, 11/5/11, Every singles title is currently held by a heel. As a long time heel lover, this excites me to no end. Admittedly, I have only been watching wrestling on any form of regular basis for the last 10 months, but when i did watch it all the time (1989-2000) this was rarely if ever the case. For about 30 minutes in 1989 Rick Rude and Randy Savage were the singles title holders, but then Hulk Hogan ruined everything as he so typically does and we were back to having good guys rule the stage.
However, unlike 1989, there are now five singles titles compared to two. To have five “hated” wrestlers all holding championships is very rare indeed. I’m sure the people at WWE headquarters are smarter than me so there must be a reason for this. (Sidenote: During the Attitude Era the lines of heel and face were extremely blended so even when more titles were introduced, heels were often loved as much as faces and pretty much everybody had a mixed reaction from the crowd, except Austin & McMahon.)
WWE Lesson 1: Almost nothing is a coincidence or a mistake. It’s always leading to something bigger.
With the exception of Owen Hart falling to his death and (maybe) the Montreal Screwjob, nothing in the WWE is a mistake. The WWE knows damn well they have all heels as champions (except Air Boom, and honestly, who gives a shit?) and the reason I want, the reason I hope, is that these champions will unite in an nWo-esque alliance (Kevin Nash does keep popping up…) and try to dominate the WWE Universe. Unsafe work conditions (Outsiders/Henry), humiliating gimmicks (Spray painting people/Rhode’s bagging people), Powerful person pulling the strings (Bischoff/Laurinaitis), all I’m saying is the makings are there.
Heel stables are a long-standing tradition of awesomeness in wrestling. The Heenan Family, DX, nWo, The 4 Horsemen (my personal fav.) have all had amazing and long-lasting storylines that produced some of the best television moments in sports entertainment history. It’s easy to hate one guy, but its fun to hate a whole group of guys. They usually do more to piss you off (if you root for the faces, that is), and the stories are more elaborate and less predictable.
So why not bring the heel champions together to create the most powerful force in the WWE? There was a time when the nWo held on to a ton of titles in the WCW, but that happened after the formation. Think about it, in this day and age where people are Occupying city streets to protest greed and financial dominance, what better story than to have all the most powerful superstars in the WWE (the champs) band together to protect their collective interests. However I’m usually wrong about these things and often just let my imagination get the best of me. I can only hope something this epic is in the making. Only time will tell…
"Sorry John, I don't remember you being so terrible."
Tales from the Turnbuckle: DQ’s? We don’t need no skinkin’ DQ’s!
This is just a little part of my blog that I’ll dedicate to the miscellaneous, random, goofy, or just interesting facts about wrestling. Today, we’ll discuss some lesser known rules of kayfabe wrestling. We all know it’s scripted and the refs are there to help support the chaos, not control it. However, if the refs did the job they are supposedly paid to do, almost every single match would end in disqualification. Here are some of the things that supposedly can get you tossed out if the refs decided to be sticklers for the rules. I’ll also throw in hypothetical long-term consequences of what would happen if these rules were inforced:
– Throwing a “closed fist” punch. Hogan and Austin never win a match and both leave the WWE in less than a year.
-Any outside support (manager/tag partner in a singles match) standing on the apron. Jimmy Hart and Bobby Heenan can not find work as managers and instead form into a talk-radio duo and eventually become a bizarro universe version of JR and The King.
– Low blows. Ric Flair’s World Heavyweight title count goes from 20 to about 4 and he retires in 1997 when he should have.
– Standing on the top rope for more than 5 seconds. Undertaker still destroys lots of souls, but the world never sees the “Old School”, and one of the coolest moves of all time is never born.
And my personal favorite:
-Intentionally throwing someone over the top rope. Jesse “The Body” Ventura never gets ample alone time in the ring to do his awesome poses and therefore doesn’t gain the national attention he so rightly deserves. This causes a lack of funding needed to win the 1998 Minnesota Gubernatorial Election. Instead, Republican Norm Coleman wins the race he should have narrowly lost, and also wins the 2008 senate election against Al Franken that he also lost in a painfully close race. That Red-State love infects the Presidential election, Minnesota votes for McCain but Obama still wins the national election and, as an act of defiance/desperation/stupidity, votes Sarah Palin in as Governor in 2014 and by 2015 we are in a full fledged war with Canada over some alleged moose shootings that happened near the border.
So lets all take a moment to thank the officials of the WWE/F for not being sticklers for the rules, otherwise we’d be preparing for the Canadian Invasion. Thanks for reading and remember, when life gets you down, kick out at two. and if you can’t kick out at two, reach for the ropes.
–PerfectHeel
Discussion topic: What would be your finishing move in the squared circle?
PerfectHeel’s Tale of the Tape
WARNING: This blog is written with the understanding that it’s readers are somewhat seasoned wrestling viewers and therefore I will not spend a lot of time explaining more basic wrestling knowledge, kayfabe storylines, or concepts. However, i love to answer questions and hear feedback, so please, post away.
Right now, all I seem to be doing is watching wrestling. When i was younger (and I mean way younger. 23 months old to be exact) I started watching wrestling with my uncle. I was instantly addicted. The violence, the drama, the characters, the attitude, I fucking loved it. However as I got older, the story lines kept getting more and more absurd, and the product on TV no longer was about two guys beating each other up as it was how much smut can we get away with and how watered down can we make the product while people still pay full price. Now, I was a kid when I loved it and I’ll never deny the fact that really, wrestling is pretty much kids entertainment and that is who it’s true audience is and should be. However, the fact that I’m back into it now tells me that i didn’t just “outgrow” a hobby of mine, but the hobby itself changed and i just refused to lower myself to it. People my age and older who watch it should be aware of what they are watching and enjoy wrestling for what it is; a fun, violent soap opera with incredible athletes who occasionally do really insane stunts that make you say “wow”.
I’m writing this blog not so much as a play-by-play recap of events that happen, but moreso as a commentary on things that I see going on in the WWE and I’ll probably reminisce about the “golden years” of the WWE/F (1988-1993)
wwepaperchampion 